Keeping Up With Half-Truths & False Pretenses

How do I deal with these?

It's been a while since I've felt strongly about someone. I haven't been too great with showing my emotions nor am I the type to dwell too much on what anyone would say. I just hide behind a facade of jokes or laughter and try to project a certain level of coolness.

But when the lights are dimmed, after the day's work have been done, it's a different story. I am alone with my sadness, uncertainties and longings. It's a crazy mixture of feelings. And the tough chick I try to picture others to see comes crumbling down into bits. The tears I've cried last night, the tears I've never shed before and all the unspoken thoughts hurt me.

But in another sense, I am glad. Somehow. Even when I don't know where this could lead me to. Even when I don't know if the equation would ever be "me + him = us". Somehow I am buoyed by the thought that he makes me smile a lot (even when I am by myself). Somehow I know that he is there. Somehow I am sure that he's been sharing nice words to others about me. Somehow the fact that he's asked "where's the iloveyou?" from the note I sent him. Altho I never expected him to ask for those words, the thing is, he did. It's always a nice surprise - he is that way. Full of surprises. My silent type of guy. Not that he is MY guy but I'd like to think of him that way.

So even when my heart gets hurt again, I'll just wait and see. Give it time. Give him time. Give myself time. Who knows? Maybe time is all we need to be certain about each other. Distance could be a good thing for both of us. Silence is always a strong indication of what is unseen and not said.

As trite as it may sound, one day soon, I'll get the chance to see him again. Until that moment comes, I will be this way towards him.

Whatever his take on this may be.