Call me a sucker for everything that's MEAN. Whether it's people, job, workplace, relationships, feelings, weather, attitude, even myself. What's "mean" for me may not be your level of "meanness". Regardless of how we gauge it, it's part of who we are. All that matters is how we react or not react at all.

I'm backtracking to the past two weeks of my very chaotic life. It takes a lot to bring out the worst in me. When I am at my worst, my hands shake with pent-up anger. I could get violent, that's why as much as possible, confrontation is a no-no. BUT, I am learning to stand up for what I believe in. I take pride in doing the best I can every first time. I am not stupid to be told repeatedly of what I should or should not work on. Some real friends even said that they can count on me to "hammer out the kinks" even on a short notice. BUT, I am starting to think that there's a downside to all these. I've been getting a ton of crappiness even when it's not my fault. Others assume that I can solve issues - even a file that is corrupted, cannot be opened or printed? Heck! If there's a title for "Techno Dummy", I'd surely win that one. Also, I am still the one "outside looking in" at work. Can't really have too much female bonding there because I've been on the losing end for some time now. People have been taking advantage, and what's really bad? I've let them. Going out of my way to take on more than I can handle. Eventhough I am able to accomplish my daily tasks satisfactorily, it's still a stupid move to get railroaded.

No sense of claiming self-righteousness here. I am not forcing anyone to like me. Or see things my way. Or work as hard as I do. All I am concerned about is taking responsibility and owning up to personal actions without blatant disregard to authority or anyone. Saying "thank you" isn't a lot to ask, right? Keeping a moderate tone of voice could help, too. And not barking out orders on a whim, just because you're the one who's paying to be served.

In the remaining weeks of 2007, I hope to have a better mindset on matters that I can never change. People may never turn the way you expect them to - there's always a margin of error for human frailty. I need to learn how to say NO to stressful duties. Have more meaningful friendships outside the workplace. Be part of a give-and-take partnership, either romantic or platonic. Sleep earlier (not at 1:30am!). Exercise more. Stay happy, or at least try to stay happy.

Even when everything that's MEAN is just nipping at my toes...ready to pounce on my butt with the least of provocation.

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"Mabalos" to my friend, Faye for this post's title.

Labels: Holler