???!!!???!!!

"Hi honeypie. I want to have sex with you tonight. You have until 7.30pm to make up your mind. If you're interested, textback. If you don't want to, it's up to you. Point is, I've invited you."

That was the text message I sent my bf last Wednesday Oct. 15, before lunch. I've never sent any guy an indecent proposal before, just him. You see, I've ran out of options of spending downtime with him. Tried the sweet approach (didn't work), been very understanding (no dice), never demanded for more than what he can share with me (which was turning into NIL), didn't nag (peace not war), always tried to make excuses for his absence and his constant backing-out-of our scheduled dates-at the last minute (simply because he was feeling lazy to go out). Not the type to have grand expectations about our relationship, I just accepted everything in stride. For the simple reason: I really love my bf. Which was more than enough reason for me to stand by him and not give up on what we have.

All at once, it was 3pm. I did a double take because I saw him inside the other room. He looked so grim, he was actually scowling. My bf is always a jolly person, full of humor and fun. He's a good man. I was actually surprised and a bit scared when I saw his black mood - it was written all over his handsome face. I'd like to add that he is also tall, dark and handsome (at least for me, haha). He was out of the office as fast as he came in. So I texted him to: "smile. it's nice to see you today".

Fasttrack to 7.32pm. My heart was pounding. I dialed his number. He answered after my third attempt to call.

"Sam, I was taking a bath", he said. (Good! I thought. He's getting ready for our date.)

"C'mon hon. Let's go out tonight."

"Where are we going?", he asked.

"Let's meet and just be together."

"Ok.."

I sent him a message to inform him of our usual meeting place. He replied with: "Sam, let's just be together tomorrow. I'm going out with boss tonight, boys' night".

Not again? No way! I replied with: "Do you want me to ask permission from the boss that you have to be with me for our date because you're my bf? I can always tell him that. Why do you always have an excuse when I'm involved?" I was doing my best to keep my temper in check.

He sent me another text at 7.44pm: "We'll talk tomorrow. I'll spend time with you then."

Mine was: "Why do you always do this? Don't you love me anymore?"

No reply. I repeated: "Don't you love me anymore? What's your answer?" Still no reply.

Except for this, at 8.00pm: "I think it would better for both of us to cool-off for a while, to give us time to think."

My reply: "No. We will not have any cool- off. We will talk tomorrow. Didn't we agree that we will work on staying together? (Walang bawian - our agreement when we made things official between us 2 months and 1 week ago).

Then, at 8.05pm: "It doesn't matter. You are always quarreling me. The thing that I hate most is when anyone fights me all the time. This is enough. Don't forget, I loved you and I never cheated on you."

WHAT???!!!! WHERE DID THAT CAME FROM???!!! AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT CHEATING ANYONE??? HUH??? WAS I CHEATING ON HIM??? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Even when I was so pissed off at him, I still managed to textback: "I'm sorry. I have no idea how to make it up to you. If you want time, ok. If you want space, ok. I love you and I am willing to fight for you. But if this cool-off is what you really want, who am I to stand in your way? Again, I'm sorry."

He never replied again. Even now.

I'm really hurt. I will never understand how he could love me and just give up. His reason: I was always quarreling him - his petty reason for this cool-off. I wasn't even doing that. Maybe he just needed a lame excuse to bail. He wasn't man enough to show his balls and stand by his promises to stay with me, no matter what. He was so unfair, maybe he never really loved me at all. He just played around with my feelings. He took the cowardly way out and made everything my fault. I was his alibi. His bloated male ego and stupid pride got the best of him. Maybe he suddenly got selective amnesia and forgot the unconditional love I gave him without asking for anything in return.

I love him. More than he will ever know. I am willing to go through lengths to fight for him. I've been kind, patient, loyal and never tore him away from his habits, lifestyle, guy friends, and other things he's been preoccupied with. I've accepted him, quirks and everything. Even if I always took the back seat in our relationship, I never asked for more than scraps of his affection, time or presence because I'm secure with how I feel for him. All he had to do was look me in the eye and just smile. I've told him that no matter how bad each workday may be, I'll be ok because he loves me. That until I hear him say to my face that he doesn't love me anymore, I will keep on loving him. AND he's aware of all that because I told him.

Didn't he insult me when he rejected my indecent proposal??? I'm not perfect but I have really nice skin, no bad breath, no off-odor, disease-free, pretty and I always bathe. WTF??? Most of my guy friends even said: "What's wrong with your bf? Rejecting a proposal like that is not a typical guy reaction. Is he gay? If he ever show his face to us, we'll beat the hell out off him! He's a disgrace to all men because if a bf really loves his gf, and she offered something so special, what's his reason to refuse her?."

I'm still trying to put some sense to it all. The pain in my heart will linger. Waiting is such a lonely verb. I've been trying to see the comic side of all the torture he's inflicted. My fault? Allowing him to treat me badly. But then the realization that I'm still giving it my best shot could get me through my longing, the emptiness and the silence. Somehow, I can say that I have no regrets. I'm keeping the faith, constantly praying that soon, things between us will work out, and that I will be able to see myself in his eyes again.

But for now, I am keeping my distance. Giving him what he wants. Allowing him to find what he's looking for. I'm not making any first move. It's up to him to act, whenever that is.

I can wait. I will wait. Until he comes to his senses. Love gave us a reason to find each other. Hopefully, love will give us another chance to complement our humanity...together.