Tangled in TunnelVision

"Be careful of getting caught up with people who are careless or fickle, sam, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Your tender emotions are too sensitive to endure the thoughtlessness, bluntness, and ultimately the rejection from someone who was simply not a good person for you to hang around with in the first place. Try not to invest yourself too emotionally in situations or people today."

That was included in one of my astro readings for today. I've always enjoyed horoscopes and anything mythic/mystic. I've always adhered to the idea that these readings have a grain of truth, may even be based on something true or purely generic yet fun coincidence. I also love the idea that, somehow, certain cosmic forces are out there waiting for the best time to shower on me their endless rays of light when everything seem hazy. But that's just me, hehe. 

Almost two weeks have gone by yet I'm still on 100% PRETEND mode. If there's a title to which I can rightfully claim entitlement, that would be Ms. Pretentious (grin). I get affected by a lot of things way beyond crazy. I tend to analyze issues into specifics. I like to talk, talk and talk some more. I value the opinion of people I care about even when it would mean having them listen to what I need to say - even to the point of talking out loud EVERYTHING in shreds. Gosh! I can be a real pain when I feel the need for an instant fix of talking/listening/understanding and hearing advice (grin some more). The pretend mode really comes in handy especially when dealing with really impossible events and characters. In my book, this mode shields me from feeling each pain all over again. Another layer to add into my seemingly thick skin. It's a great coverup for all the tumult within me. Hurting deep inside, being able to freely talk about it and disguising the disappointment with pretense. Not an easy task but worth the effort.

You know where this leads to, right? So I'm still trying to breathe underwater. No, make it under sludge. I'm hoping that a kind of rational realization will hit me soon. Since my last post, I've been on an emotional tightrope of highs and lows, mostly lows. Made a promise to myself not to get affected by him, stay detached, act as if all's no biggie. TOUGH LUCK. When I wasn't paying him any attention, he starts a conversation. When I just look at him in the eye, he catches my eye too. When I don't talk to him, he taps my shoulder and say my name. I don't smile at him now, he smiles at me though. And there's this one practice we've been doing for almost 2 weeks now: when our eyes lock, we hold our unflinching gazes, as if we're looking deep into each other's soul, no smile passes between us, no flicker of hate (thankfully!), but there's only silence. 

I don't want this silence to unnerve me. At the same time, I am so tired of making the first attempt to clear up the air. What makes it doubly tough is the fact that he's almost always within my line-of-sight and hearing range. That's twice the pain, two times the anger, double the effort of not caring anymore. 

BUT, I still care about him. I still can't shake him off. Really. It's going to take some time, right? I've read somewhere that 60 days of "me-time" work wonders for anything that's love-related. I can go on with this drama that he started. I can shadowbox with the half-truths and empty lies. He can hurt me with his inherent indifference and I can do the same to him. He could stay away from me and I can stay away from him. He can just shrug me off to oblivion and I can even treat him like he's invisible. 

I can step away slowly and leave him with an unbelievable loss, his loss. (AND that is worse than being un-dead.)

Options Of Optimism

Consider this post as another update attempt, no more no less.

Last weekend, I gave in to my wanderlust, packed my overnight bag and rode the Lazyboy to Manila. Had to do personal errands and shop for early simple Christmas treats for people who've made a difference in my life this year. From the swanky malls to shoppers-filled Divisoria, I had my fill of scents, textures, tastes, prices, styles, everything!

 I saw KC Concepcion (I am such a fan of this awesome girl!) during her 'Meet & Greet'. I did not buy her debut cd, instead had fun watching KC with Tina while we had dinner at Shakeys' which was conviently located within the Event Center of SM Marilao. And the food! I had my share of junk food, fast food, home-cooked meals, sweets, pastries, and all that's glorious. I don't mind putting on some pounds, eating is one guilty pleasure that's worth indulging into sometimes. Hehe.

Lots of talk time took place too, over that weekend. With my sis-in-law Puds, niece Joy and nephew Kurt, including the househelp, plus baby time with nephew HP. Had the chance to hangout with Tina, a nice and down-to-earth girl. Tina & I watched "The Women" and it was such a riot! We agreed on: "That's a movie that every girl should watch with her girlfriend/s. It's also a good date movie wherein a guy could (hopefully) learn a thing or two about women & their greatness." Parmesan & garlic popcorn, Cokes, bottled water, great company and funny movie...100% YES! 

Now, it's back to the grinding stone for me. It's been three days of work already. Can you believe that I am actually having lots of laugh time at the office now? Amazingly unbelievable! Well, the workload is still as toxic as polluted fumes, but, the crunch is more bearable. Maybe I'm finally able to adjust my being a round hole to a very square peg. Or the thought that life is too short to be bitter and sad is an effective mantra to beat out stress. Whatever works, bring it on!

And just to balance the seemingly cheery scenario, I'll take a detour to my so-called lovelife. It's not blissful. It's not perfect. It's not just there. And I won't be taken in for another ride to relationship oblivion. The realization that I can love and hate this one guy (in the same breath, with the same intensity) even makes sense. Somehow, I am still buoyed by the thought that I did my best inspite of all his shortcomings and lame excuses. Maybe I've been blindsided - by what I thought I saw in him (that special something in him) - which he even failed to see on his own. 

I tried to reach out to him but to no avail. Bad move. 

As if his silence was not heartless enough, he even had the guts to text me: "Friend na muna kita ha. Tnx. Gudnyt!" (Friend for now. Tnx. Gudnyt!). What gives? Haha. I just had to give him a piece of what I need to say. The text I sent him last night went this way: "DON'T even think that I'm going to chase you around or that I will argue with you. I sent you this text only for my peace of mind. I want to treasure the good moments. At the same time, it hurts like hell not knowing where I stand. You want us to be friends for now. Like how? Friends with benefits, fling or bestfriends? Do you have any valid reason? Why can't you say that in person? I did my best, no regrets. I respected you. Dai ako nagkulang saimo. It seems you are not even ready to have me in your life. Altho it's unfair, I respect your decision." (No reaction from him, as expected).

TODAY...

I saw him. 

I heard his voice. 

I never looked at him.

What for? 

He won't even look at me.

It won't hurt that much...ONE DAY.