Tangled in TunnelVision

"Be careful of getting caught up with people who are careless or fickle, sam, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. Your tender emotions are too sensitive to endure the thoughtlessness, bluntness, and ultimately the rejection from someone who was simply not a good person for you to hang around with in the first place. Try not to invest yourself too emotionally in situations or people today."

That was included in one of my astro readings for today. I've always enjoyed horoscopes and anything mythic/mystic. I've always adhered to the idea that these readings have a grain of truth, may even be based on something true or purely generic yet fun coincidence. I also love the idea that, somehow, certain cosmic forces are out there waiting for the best time to shower on me their endless rays of light when everything seem hazy. But that's just me, hehe. 

Almost two weeks have gone by yet I'm still on 100% PRETEND mode. If there's a title to which I can rightfully claim entitlement, that would be Ms. Pretentious (grin). I get affected by a lot of things way beyond crazy. I tend to analyze issues into specifics. I like to talk, talk and talk some more. I value the opinion of people I care about even when it would mean having them listen to what I need to say - even to the point of talking out loud EVERYTHING in shreds. Gosh! I can be a real pain when I feel the need for an instant fix of talking/listening/understanding and hearing advice (grin some more). The pretend mode really comes in handy especially when dealing with really impossible events and characters. In my book, this mode shields me from feeling each pain all over again. Another layer to add into my seemingly thick skin. It's a great coverup for all the tumult within me. Hurting deep inside, being able to freely talk about it and disguising the disappointment with pretense. Not an easy task but worth the effort.

You know where this leads to, right? So I'm still trying to breathe underwater. No, make it under sludge. I'm hoping that a kind of rational realization will hit me soon. Since my last post, I've been on an emotional tightrope of highs and lows, mostly lows. Made a promise to myself not to get affected by him, stay detached, act as if all's no biggie. TOUGH LUCK. When I wasn't paying him any attention, he starts a conversation. When I just look at him in the eye, he catches my eye too. When I don't talk to him, he taps my shoulder and say my name. I don't smile at him now, he smiles at me though. And there's this one practice we've been doing for almost 2 weeks now: when our eyes lock, we hold our unflinching gazes, as if we're looking deep into each other's soul, no smile passes between us, no flicker of hate (thankfully!), but there's only silence. 

I don't want this silence to unnerve me. At the same time, I am so tired of making the first attempt to clear up the air. What makes it doubly tough is the fact that he's almost always within my line-of-sight and hearing range. That's twice the pain, two times the anger, double the effort of not caring anymore. 

BUT, I still care about him. I still can't shake him off. Really. It's going to take some time, right? I've read somewhere that 60 days of "me-time" work wonders for anything that's love-related. I can go on with this drama that he started. I can shadowbox with the half-truths and empty lies. He can hurt me with his inherent indifference and I can do the same to him. He could stay away from me and I can stay away from him. He can just shrug me off to oblivion and I can even treat him like he's invisible. 

I can step away slowly and leave him with an unbelievable loss, his loss. (AND that is worse than being un-dead.)