Mid-Midlife

An officemate told me this afternoon that I should get married, asap.

I had to smile and tell her that it's never easy to just commit to a guy who's not even in that level yet. Or be with a guy who's not within one's immediate circle of acquaintances. Or be part of a twosome when one is by his/her lonesome (read: certified single).

Wow. The pattern's so striking I never even noticed it.

Lately, I came to a realization that most of my hetero-rebound relationships were with guys who were categorically single (never married, divorced, single dads) talented and gwapo.

Been with a guy who never stood up for me when a irate ex-gf badmouthed me infront of our colleagues many years ago. Hell, I told him to butt off my life while tears were streaming down my face. Then I had to do my on-air board duties with only minutes to spare. The show had to go on. A week later, a rival radio station offered me a better deal (call that an answered prayer), so I packed my bags and left.

There was also this dude who made people read my letters for him. The same dude who told people that we've broken up altho we were still a couple. I confronted him on his way to the male CR - "You haven't broken up with me yet so I'm breaking up with you now."

Then there was this smart trainer who appreciated my wit, but his jealous ex-wife told me to stay away via a mobile call.

There was this younger guy who got jealous of everything - my friends, radio callers, even my radio job.

A bit farther down the road, I met this amazing guy who was too good to be true - to his words. Yep, he had to marry somebody else. Then a few Valentine's ago, we renewed our friendship and his wife found out. She sent me an email, on a particular Feb. 14, ordering me to stop contacting her husband pronto.

I don't play around with emotions or do mind games. I know when I'm not wanted and I stay away. Aside from love, loyalty and understanding, I can offer and give my partner "a lot of trust" - what he does when I'm not around is his choice and decision. My trust is his to value and it's up to him to take care of it or break it. He need not worry about me asking for his password or email details. I don't snoop around cellphones or private documents. If there's one thing I adhere to that would be: the person who asks first should be the one who pays - during dates, that is. But, I am just happy to split the bill with my guy, no questions asked. I'm never a freeloader. I keep my word but I never make grand promises. Naturally, I expect my guy to hold on to his word as well. Time and timing is always key. Being late sometimes may be tolerable but not showing up (after saying otherwise) is vile.

Love for me means complimenting each other. Striking a balance between two opposites. Being there when you'd rather be somewhere else. It's what my younger sister in the UK said to her husband: "Let's just watch tv this weekend. Even for a day, let go of your pc games and be bored with me watching tv" (He obliged to his wife's wishes. My brother-in-law is such a sweet guy.)

I can't say much about the physical aspect of a relationship. There are other creative ways to express one's feelings without too much heated intimacy or sex. For instance, taking a lot of cold shower, walking, exercise, sleeping alone, saying a prayer, drinking water, cooking, just kissing or sharing bear hugs, etc. (*grin*)

Today, my heart and mind are both in a good place. No great expectations. Just going with the flow. Allowing room for surprises. Glad to be part of something that may or may not be anything at all. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, life goes on. Keeping it real. Glad to be dancing in circles.

Like these lyrics from Say It Again by Marie Digby:
"And it feels like it`s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name.."

Tagged! Twice As Nice

I'm taking the time to post my answers (re: 2 tags from ZJ.)
These are bits of info about me and nothing too cerebral.

PART 1 - Tag 1: 8 Facts About Me

Uno - I've always wanted to be a doctor. Even as a little girl, I've been fascinated with anything related to medicine. I've dreamt of being a surgeon (Way before ER/Grey's Anatomy/medical TV dramas) or a pedia or a trauma medic. Sadly, when I entered college...I took up AB English instead. Yep, with much annoyance (my mom insisted that I obey her) and even when I reasoned out that I can apply for a scholarship after pre-med. I tried to bargain for Mechanical Engineering but, to no avail. Her reason? It's not good to have 3.0's as grades in Mech Eng. So I got stuck in a very easy major. Hehe, easy-peasy and with triple scholarships in college. It was fun but not too mentally challenging. And to follow through with my Hippocratic dream, I took First Aid exercises, volunteered as a firefighter, had Rescue trainings, studied Caregiver course and read anything about this field. I am able to dispense trivia about practical tips and health ideas, but always ending it with "it's still best to consult your doctor".

Dos - I can cook. I can bake. It's all self-taught. As long as you're able to read a cookbook, follow instructions, never afraid to tweak seasonings or ingredients around, and have tons of willing tasters. What started me off was the real need for good breakfast everyday. I feel sad when there's no breakfast food on the table. I don't ask for fancy or gourmet, but a girl can only wonder aloud why it's always: eggs/hotdog/dried fish/fried rice/bread/the-viand-that-tasted-
amazing-for-dinner-still-ended-up-as-rehashed-breakfast, etc. So, when I got my oven, I went on a baking and cooking frenzy. With the tools and tricks of the trade and a lot of guts, nothing stood in my way. Yep, I am happy to say that I can cook and I can bake. I even earn some cash along the way.

Tres - I recycle, re-use and refuse. That's the simplest thing I can do to help in protecting Mother Nature. At home, there is garbage segregation. Old clothes are packed and turned into hand-me-downs. Turn off the lights when not in use. Just buy what's needed. Carpool. Use public transport. My small deeds of kindness for the environment.

Quatro - I am a certified single. Yep, it's a happy state-of-being. No one to prevent you from pursuing your wanderlust. No one to check on your whereabouts. Yet there are days when I feel sad being by my lonesome, wondering if I'm meant to be alone forever (oh no!!!), hating everybody else's coupledom (argh, get a room!!!), and not getting any romantic kiss/hug when I desperately need one or both. Hey, I don't need Mr. Right, just Mr. Right Now. Any takers?

Cinco - My idea of a perfect day is: overcast skies, no rain, no sun, clouds hovering, cool breeze. Team that up with bottomless iced tea, clear ocean waters and great company. No work. No worries. Heaven. Bliss.

Seis - In terms of work, I aim to deliver the goods, the best way possible. Planning. Organizing. Details. Contingencies. Handling setback. Options. Whatever it takes to do the job right. I've come to believe that doing anything right every "1st" time has its rewards. Nothing is wasted. It's being a pro. It's taking responsibility. It's a reflection of who a person is, what he/she is capable or not capable of. Deadlines just too much pressure, anyway.

Siete - I've had my share of the unexplained and the supernatural. Sometimes I get visions, hear voices, see what's on the next frame sort-of-thing. Some call it a gift. I call it my backup blessing. It can be scary. But the feeling that kindred spirits and guides are there - all these are worth it.

Ocho - Eight is my favorite number. My first name has eight letters. Eight stands for infinity.

PART 2 - Tag 2: The Face Behind The Blog

Ahem...This is SAM.
I really love my nickname. In the military, SAM stands for Surface-to-Air Missile. It's a label for a hotdog endorsed by Sam Milby (Is that a coincidence or what?). A masculine nickname for a 100% femme. I am a happy Single and I just don't get it when some people make a big deal out of my civil status. Can anyone blame me for holding out for the One? I am sure it's worth the wait, hehe. I enjoy hanging out with family and friends. Books, movies, food, coffee, vodka, travel, sunset, ice cream, breads and music are some of my interests. I hope to be able to swim with dolphins, have my own 3P (pastry-pasta-picapica) business, and really volunteer for VSO someday. The words multitasking, serendipity, aurora borealis, peanut butter and flavanoids make me smile. My work experiences range from trimedia, customer outsourcing, tutorials, education and construction. Not really a techie but I try to learn the basics of hitech. I like makeup (mostly mascara and lip gloss), dressing up sometimes, foot spa, manicure and peds, hairstyles, body lotion, body powder (Johnson's Baby Powder is still tops for me), sneakers, sandals, flipflops, jeans, shirts, body sprays and other girly stuff. Not to be vain but to look and feel good. I cherish my friends (near or far). If I'd be given the chance to interview 3 people, I'd choose: Oprah Winfrey, Pope Benedict and Lea Salonga. I share the same birthday with Albert Einstein (sadly, I'm not a genius) and the late Rico Yan (whom I was able to interview during my radio stint at ABS-CBN Naga, spent time with when he graced the opening of Greenwich-Naga, and be lucky enough to get a kiss from this really gracious person. Oh yes, Rico Yan kissed my neck - he missed my cheek by approximately 5 inches.) I'll always think of him as my angel.

As a water sign, I'm forever changing. Going with the flow. Deep. Silent. Turbulent at times.
As an Ox, I'm steadfast, dependable and hardworking.
I am SAM - Maorag na taga-Bikol. Kayumanging Kaligatan. Proudly Pinay.

NOTE: Pictured above: Me and my two sweet brothers-in-law, Jay (left) and Al (right).