Mid-Midlife

An officemate told me this afternoon that I should get married, asap.

I had to smile and tell her that it's never easy to just commit to a guy who's not even in that level yet. Or be with a guy who's not within one's immediate circle of acquaintances. Or be part of a twosome when one is by his/her lonesome (read: certified single).

Wow. The pattern's so striking I never even noticed it.

Lately, I came to a realization that most of my hetero-rebound relationships were with guys who were categorically single (never married, divorced, single dads) talented and gwapo.

Been with a guy who never stood up for me when a irate ex-gf badmouthed me infront of our colleagues many years ago. Hell, I told him to butt off my life while tears were streaming down my face. Then I had to do my on-air board duties with only minutes to spare. The show had to go on. A week later, a rival radio station offered me a better deal (call that an answered prayer), so I packed my bags and left.

There was also this dude who made people read my letters for him. The same dude who told people that we've broken up altho we were still a couple. I confronted him on his way to the male CR - "You haven't broken up with me yet so I'm breaking up with you now."

Then there was this smart trainer who appreciated my wit, but his jealous ex-wife told me to stay away via a mobile call.

There was this younger guy who got jealous of everything - my friends, radio callers, even my radio job.

A bit farther down the road, I met this amazing guy who was too good to be true - to his words. Yep, he had to marry somebody else. Then a few Valentine's ago, we renewed our friendship and his wife found out. She sent me an email, on a particular Feb. 14, ordering me to stop contacting her husband pronto.

I don't play around with emotions or do mind games. I know when I'm not wanted and I stay away. Aside from love, loyalty and understanding, I can offer and give my partner "a lot of trust" - what he does when I'm not around is his choice and decision. My trust is his to value and it's up to him to take care of it or break it. He need not worry about me asking for his password or email details. I don't snoop around cellphones or private documents. If there's one thing I adhere to that would be: the person who asks first should be the one who pays - during dates, that is. But, I am just happy to split the bill with my guy, no questions asked. I'm never a freeloader. I keep my word but I never make grand promises. Naturally, I expect my guy to hold on to his word as well. Time and timing is always key. Being late sometimes may be tolerable but not showing up (after saying otherwise) is vile.

Love for me means complimenting each other. Striking a balance between two opposites. Being there when you'd rather be somewhere else. It's what my younger sister in the UK said to her husband: "Let's just watch tv this weekend. Even for a day, let go of your pc games and be bored with me watching tv" (He obliged to his wife's wishes. My brother-in-law is such a sweet guy.)

I can't say much about the physical aspect of a relationship. There are other creative ways to express one's feelings without too much heated intimacy or sex. For instance, taking a lot of cold shower, walking, exercise, sleeping alone, saying a prayer, drinking water, cooking, just kissing or sharing bear hugs, etc. (*grin*)

Today, my heart and mind are both in a good place. No great expectations. Just going with the flow. Allowing room for surprises. Glad to be part of something that may or may not be anything at all. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, life goes on. Keeping it real. Glad to be dancing in circles.

Like these lyrics from Say It Again by Marie Digby:
"And it feels like it`s the first time
That anybody's ever brought the sun without the rain
And never in my whole life
Have I heard words as beautiful as when you say my name.."