“How can you move on when your past is present? Do we need distance to be close?”

That’s a line! Nah, that is a quote which my bestfriend and soul sis Zarah YM'ed me a long time ago. Words that could best describe my state of mind last night. Maybe the state of my heart too, if that would even count.

Science says that the heart has nothing to do with how we feel – whether it’s crazy love, uncontrolled lust or sensual/sexual thoughts, including all the other emotions that could send out some mixed signals. It’s our brain! That grey spongy matter inside our thick skull – the source, maybe the culprit. What stimulates the brain affects all the body parts and nerve endings. Needless to say, the brain causes the heart to react via the bloodstream. Pardon the thought – everything is just blood rushing from the brain to the vena cava and back again.

Try as I could, there’s this place in my heart that has remained unoccupied. For a long time…and counting. Altho my heart is in the right place, it seems that it could stay that way – unoccupied – for more days or months or years to come. Not that I’m complaining. I love my life and the joys of being single. There’s work even when it sucks sometimes. Meaningful friendship. My family. My faith. On weeknights and weekends, there’s the TV, books, computer, internet, VCDs, DVDs, baking, cooking, chores and coffee.

And speaking of coffee.

I don’t know if it was just a sign of desperation on my part. You see, I’ve been having really bad nights and days, cranky moods, tiredness, sleeplessness, back pains, headaches and flu-like symptoms. My youngest sister, she’s a nurse, told me that I have low BP (Oprah and Dr. Oz said that the BP is the most important number to watch out for) and that I should hydrate as often as I can (No worries there, I love drinking loads of cold water).

Like any other internet info junkie, I went online to see if there’s anything in the worldwide web that could explain what I’m experiencing. Haha, maybe not very sensible but I need instant gratification – FAST! There it was a minefield of information - www.webMD.com, yahoo health, and MSN, among others.

Then I searched on coffee. Chanced upon www.coffeeuniverse.com, www.coffeescience.org and www.hopkinsmedicine.org. After sorting all the facts about coffee, a research title caught my eye: CAFFEINE WITHDRAWAL RECOGNIZED AS A DISORDER (from the researchers of John Hopkins Medicine).

After reading, I realized that my usual coffee intake have been virtually limited. To make up for lost coffee buzz, my Thursday nightcap included a 250ml serving of hot coffee, spacing out in front of the TV with the guys of CSI Las Vegas and a feel-good vibe that all will be well in the morning.

Maybe I’m having caffeine withdrawal disorder (the symptoms are present).

Or maybe I’m just in denial again.

Labels: TGIF