My Rainbow

I had a very early start at bridging the distance between the two of us. After a week of silence and stubborn indifference, I was ready to make peace and forget the fact that I've been thru so much pain because of loving my guy. No qualms, no regrets, whatever happens or nothing at all.

I sent him some text messages, reaffirming my true feelings for him. That no matter what, I will hold steadfast. I've apologized for any hurt which I may have brought on him. Needless to say, I also hinted that I'm not entirely to blame for this. That I am still trying to understand his reason, and that I respect his decision for staying away.

I've always believed that he is a good person. There's just something special about him. He's like a diamond in the rough - carat, color, cut. Even when subjected to extreme temperature and temper, he will still shine like a prism or a rainbow. That's what I saw in him. AND I will always look at him that way.

The day's hours went too fast. Made more toxic by all the craziness at the office. How I was able to handle three ASAP requests (from Naga, from Manila & from Cagayan) in less than an hour was beyond me. There's hope for me, I may really have superpowers that I am not aware of! Hehe.

Upon the prodding of a very good friend at past 8pm, I called him up. I was about to hang up because he wasn't answering. And when he finally took my call...

"Who's this?", he asked in a soft tone.

"Who am I? This is Sam", I replied with the same tone.

He asked, "How are you?"

"I'm not ok and I'd like to say sorry. How about you? Are you ok now? Are you still angry at me? Have I annoyed you too much?", I asked him back.

"Where are you?", he asked

"I'm here at home. Where are you now? Where have you been?", were my questions for him.

"Just here at home too. It's ok, Sam. I'm not angry at you. Too bad, I've got to go for now. I have to join the boss again tonight. He's actually downstairs as we speak. And I'm not lying to you about it", he said.

"It's fine with me. Have fun tonight. Thank you for this. Again, I'm really sorry if I offended you in any way", I answered with a smile.

"Ok".

(I texted him with: "Don't worry about me, I'm ok now. Thanks to you. Take care." To which he promptly replied: "You too." - short but sweet, like always)

Finally, I was able to really breathe again. My grin turned into a very wide smile! I whispered my thanks for this answered prayer. Wow! All the uncertainties that I had during the past week disappeared. This is a fresh start. Words of love were not spoken tonight, so no expectations. Rushing and being rash are not the operative keypoints now.

Taking a chance, regardless of the outcome, will always be worth it. So happy I did!

After more than 72 hours...

I still don't understand the reason why he demanded for a cool-off.

I've cried myself to sleep.

Alone time has turned into something that I don't look forward to.

Each time I close my eyes, it's his face I see.

I've been trying to find the comic side to this unwelcome sadness.

Laughed it off, to no avail.

Pray.

Shrugged the emptiness only to discover more emptiness.

Grief, somehow, has offered a certain kind of comfort.

I haven't sent him any text message, haven't called him, haven't seen him, haven't talked to him.

Have talked about him.

Have thought about him.

Have wondered if he's thinking about me too. (I simply don't have any way of knowing.)

When I heard his voice over the telephone last Friday, altho he called the office NOT to talk to me, the effect on me was instant. I felt a glimmer of hope. Was it his way to reach out? Did he sound sad? Was the call intentional? I will never know, but I'd like to think so. (Please humor me on this one, again.)

I am blessed to have wonderfully supportive family and friends around who are willing to listen to everything I have to say, who are ready to pounce on my bf if he'll ever show his face, who never got tired of my over-analysis of the issues and who've prayed with me. The same persons who've shared their reactions - some want to smack his face with beer bottles, others would enjoy torturing him with goons, or those who would like to pinch him just to put some sense back in his head. Varied degrees of hate alright, typically human.

While my friends concocted ideas of knocking his head down, I've thought otherwise. His shabby treatment of me don't need to be dealt with revenge. If my friends can't wait to put him in his place, I'd still go through lengths to stand by him - with blinders on.

I'm not perfect, he isn't perfect. We are perfect for each other? Hopefully.

???!!!???!!!

"Hi honeypie. I want to have sex with you tonight. You have until 7.30pm to make up your mind. If you're interested, textback. If you don't want to, it's up to you. Point is, I've invited you."

That was the text message I sent my bf last Wednesday Oct. 15, before lunch. I've never sent any guy an indecent proposal before, just him. You see, I've ran out of options of spending downtime with him. Tried the sweet approach (didn't work), been very understanding (no dice), never demanded for more than what he can share with me (which was turning into NIL), didn't nag (peace not war), always tried to make excuses for his absence and his constant backing-out-of our scheduled dates-at the last minute (simply because he was feeling lazy to go out). Not the type to have grand expectations about our relationship, I just accepted everything in stride. For the simple reason: I really love my bf. Which was more than enough reason for me to stand by him and not give up on what we have.

All at once, it was 3pm. I did a double take because I saw him inside the other room. He looked so grim, he was actually scowling. My bf is always a jolly person, full of humor and fun. He's a good man. I was actually surprised and a bit scared when I saw his black mood - it was written all over his handsome face. I'd like to add that he is also tall, dark and handsome (at least for me, haha). He was out of the office as fast as he came in. So I texted him to: "smile. it's nice to see you today".

Fasttrack to 7.32pm. My heart was pounding. I dialed his number. He answered after my third attempt to call.

"Sam, I was taking a bath", he said. (Good! I thought. He's getting ready for our date.)

"C'mon hon. Let's go out tonight."

"Where are we going?", he asked.

"Let's meet and just be together."

"Ok.."

I sent him a message to inform him of our usual meeting place. He replied with: "Sam, let's just be together tomorrow. I'm going out with boss tonight, boys' night".

Not again? No way! I replied with: "Do you want me to ask permission from the boss that you have to be with me for our date because you're my bf? I can always tell him that. Why do you always have an excuse when I'm involved?" I was doing my best to keep my temper in check.

He sent me another text at 7.44pm: "We'll talk tomorrow. I'll spend time with you then."

Mine was: "Why do you always do this? Don't you love me anymore?"

No reply. I repeated: "Don't you love me anymore? What's your answer?" Still no reply.

Except for this, at 8.00pm: "I think it would better for both of us to cool-off for a while, to give us time to think."

My reply: "No. We will not have any cool- off. We will talk tomorrow. Didn't we agree that we will work on staying together? (Walang bawian - our agreement when we made things official between us 2 months and 1 week ago).

Then, at 8.05pm: "It doesn't matter. You are always quarreling me. The thing that I hate most is when anyone fights me all the time. This is enough. Don't forget, I loved you and I never cheated on you."

WHAT???!!!! WHERE DID THAT CAME FROM???!!! AND WHAT'S THIS ABOUT CHEATING ANYONE??? HUH??? WAS I CHEATING ON HIM??? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Even when I was so pissed off at him, I still managed to textback: "I'm sorry. I have no idea how to make it up to you. If you want time, ok. If you want space, ok. I love you and I am willing to fight for you. But if this cool-off is what you really want, who am I to stand in your way? Again, I'm sorry."

He never replied again. Even now.

I'm really hurt. I will never understand how he could love me and just give up. His reason: I was always quarreling him - his petty reason for this cool-off. I wasn't even doing that. Maybe he just needed a lame excuse to bail. He wasn't man enough to show his balls and stand by his promises to stay with me, no matter what. He was so unfair, maybe he never really loved me at all. He just played around with my feelings. He took the cowardly way out and made everything my fault. I was his alibi. His bloated male ego and stupid pride got the best of him. Maybe he suddenly got selective amnesia and forgot the unconditional love I gave him without asking for anything in return.

I love him. More than he will ever know. I am willing to go through lengths to fight for him. I've been kind, patient, loyal and never tore him away from his habits, lifestyle, guy friends, and other things he's been preoccupied with. I've accepted him, quirks and everything. Even if I always took the back seat in our relationship, I never asked for more than scraps of his affection, time or presence because I'm secure with how I feel for him. All he had to do was look me in the eye and just smile. I've told him that no matter how bad each workday may be, I'll be ok because he loves me. That until I hear him say to my face that he doesn't love me anymore, I will keep on loving him. AND he's aware of all that because I told him.

Didn't he insult me when he rejected my indecent proposal??? I'm not perfect but I have really nice skin, no bad breath, no off-odor, disease-free, pretty and I always bathe. WTF??? Most of my guy friends even said: "What's wrong with your bf? Rejecting a proposal like that is not a typical guy reaction. Is he gay? If he ever show his face to us, we'll beat the hell out off him! He's a disgrace to all men because if a bf really loves his gf, and she offered something so special, what's his reason to refuse her?."

I'm still trying to put some sense to it all. The pain in my heart will linger. Waiting is such a lonely verb. I've been trying to see the comic side of all the torture he's inflicted. My fault? Allowing him to treat me badly. But then the realization that I'm still giving it my best shot could get me through my longing, the emptiness and the silence. Somehow, I can say that I have no regrets. I'm keeping the faith, constantly praying that soon, things between us will work out, and that I will be able to see myself in his eyes again.

But for now, I am keeping my distance. Giving him what he wants. Allowing him to find what he's looking for. I'm not making any first move. It's up to him to act, whenever that is.

I can wait. I will wait. Until he comes to his senses. Love gave us a reason to find each other. Hopefully, love will give us another chance to complement our humanity...together.

Venus Women, Martian Men

The polarity of being x (female chromosome) and y (male chromosome) is always mind-boggling. Inspite of very obvious differences, a balance between the two sexes can also be achieved. At best, they complement each other - whether it's purely platonic, extremely romantic, or (by golly!) tinged with pure lust. On its downside, the sharpest claws can rip out even the heart of an insensitive brute, hehe.

I've always been amazed by men and all their weird traits. Amidst all their macho behavior, there's always something special in every guy. Learning what makes them act the way they do is just half of the surprise. The other half is learning how to deal with their unbelievable ways of not keeping their promises, not honoring their words, backing out of scheduled dates simply because they're 'feeling lazy' (believe me, 'feeling lazy' was his excuse) and taking us for granted. Go ahead, add more to my list! But, these guys are also wonderful quirks of Nature. Catch them in a good mood and they're agreeable to everything. Guys can be so loving (more so if they know you'll be returning the favor with more affection, hehe). They make each day an unlikely combo of great-sad-happy-wonderful-funny-whatever.

AND..It's really fun being a girl! More so, if there's one guy who makes you feel cranky, sees you at your worst but still loves you no matter how much you annoy him sometimes.

* read from one of the blogs i came across weeks ago:
The Advantages Of Being A Woman (25 reasons why it's better to be a WOMAN!)*
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are called stalkers.
4. We can get off speeding fines by crying.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
8. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
9. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
10. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
11. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
12. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
13. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
14. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
15. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
16. We never have to reach down ever so often to make sure our privates are still there.
17. We have the ability to dress ourselves without help.
18. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
19. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
20. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach stuck in our teeth.
21. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
22. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
23. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
24. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
25. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

The Advantages Of Being A Man...(25 reasons why it's better to be Man!)
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades...
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work... more pay (sad but true).
11. Wrinkles---so what? Adds character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress: $2000; Tux rental: $100.
14. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
16. One mood, ALL the time, fits all occasions.
17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
18. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
19. You can open all your own jars.
20. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
21. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
22. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
23. You don't have to stop and think which way to turn the nut on a bolt.
24. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
25. Your orgasms are real. Always.

Lease

As long as I can remember, I often go with my gut feel. That, together with mental ability and legwork. Call it instinct, intuition, hindsight, foresight, impulse. People even say there's nothing wrong if your action is based on mere gut feeling. Others say that impressions don't last. Some might say the gut is just gas inside one's tummy. Whatever your take is, just chalk it up to daily experiences.

Now, here's my story - which took place on a supposedly very uneventful Friday evening, Oct 4, 2008...

Unable to shake off the 2-day tiredness that's been creeping up my bones, having only managed restless sleep, too much work, relentless errands, relationship unpredictability and nightly tutorials, I was looking forward to lazing infront of the TV for another cable marathon. I was pratically asking JM to speed up our tutorials on the premise that I want to go home and catch some sleep. The 4th grader simply flashed me his trademark smile, not even rushing. Ah, little boys!

Then, gunshots echoed through the stillness.

"Are those gunshots?", JM asked me, all the while looking down on his notebook.

"I don't know. An early New Year celebration, maybe?", I answered.

We just shrugged the sounds off. Then, E went inside the study room.

"Hey, authorities are lining up the street outside. I was told to lock the gates but then Sam is still here with you MJ. Will be locking up after your study hour".

After 10 minutes, I started to walk home. Near the corner store, I saw the first wave of onlookers and an ambulance. As I turned on my corner, there were patrol cars, composite forces (special ops and intelligence), men wearing shirts with letters like: NBI, CIDG, PSO, SWAT, high-calibre guns and more onlookers. Even my friend, Public Safety Office (PSO) head L, just gave me a small wave when I called out his name.

I approached an ER guy.

"What happened here, sir?"

"A shootout took place here a while ago caused by a robbery-holdup. Two died in the encounter, one didn't. Those robbers belong to a syndicate."

Picture this, my house is just one house away from the eskinita where the incident occured. I was out for tutorials, Mom was in church for a first Friday Mass, what if those robbers strode in our house to take cover?

Most of all, what if I acted on what my gut's been telling me? To just go home and leave MJ to study on his own? I felt my own fear as my knees shook. I held on to our gate and tried to catch my breath. Had I left earlier, worst case scenario? I could have been caught in the crossfire. (Was informed much later that before the gunshots were fired, the authorities were in an attack-ready-defensive stance just across the street from our house). I uttered a prayer.

The shots were fired past 6pm. The crowd dispered at 9:10 pm. All that was left were dried up blood on the street, the stench of death and a lit candle.

This Sunday's almost over. Much been aired on the radio and said on the news about last Friday's encounter. Fear still clings on the edge of my subconscious. I am trying to channel my nervous energy in a more positive way. I don't feel invincible for being spared from any stray bullet. What I know is; I've been given another great chance to do good things in my so-called life as a 35-something woman. To love unconditionally. To accept people without prejudice. To live life without grand expectations.

To be thankful for the here and now.

scrap the crap!

So what's new?

Nothing much - except for another undeserved tongue-lashing from the devil's gf. She was literally spewing out fire and hail. Such a pretty face with an unbelievable storage of vile words. Bad as it may sound, she blamed me for messing up some papers, again. I did not. It was the other girl's fault because she never gave me the list (but she claimed otherwise). Had to defend myself by saying: "I don't have a copy of that list. Each time I get anything from these people, I clip it in a folder. There's nothing in the folder.' (how can I mess up anything when I don't have anything to mess it up with? figure that out!).

AND THEN, HELL BROKE LOOSE! IT WAS BRUTAL!

Well, I don't give a hoot.

Whenever the devil's gf starts crapping up her entrails, I just look her in the face and transport myself into a happier place filled with rainbows, clouds and waterfalls. In my head, I'm humming lalalalala, as the devil's gf's spitefulness bounces off me. Works all the time for me, hehe. But after the undeserved verbal abuse, the left part of my upper back hurts. Short yet intense bursts of back pain that lingers for a while. But it will never stay. Just think of rainbows, clouds and waterfalls.

Humming now...lalalalala.